Pregnancy Blues

            I am currently 38 weeks pregnant and I’m sick and tired of it! I know this may sound harsh and unacceptable to most women and probably men but this is the way I feel. Quite frankly I started feeling this way during the end of my second trimester but now it’s only getting worse.

            It’s getting more and more uncomfortable to sleep. Even sleeping on my sides is getting harder to do. I wake up at least 10 times at night thanks to my ever-full bladder. My feet are more often sore than not and they hurt. I get leg cramps and body aches. I’m always tired and can hardly breathe properly. I’m always feeling hot and stuffy. I can barely walk straight thanks to all the weight I’ve gained and the feeling of having a bowling ball in between my thighs. I sometimes find myself crying to my husband and throwing fits because of how uncomfortable I feel.

            Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby and I would go through anything for him but it’s getting harder and harder as the days go by. I know I have less than two weeks and yet I already want my baby out. I’ll be probably be judged by most people for feeling this way but I, quite frankly don’t care. Getting pregnant is so easy but staying pregnant takes a lot of strength and patience.

            I was always one of those women who couldn’t wait to get pregnant and wanted to experience having that pregnant belly. But now that I actually do, I never imagined it would be this hard. I’m not one of the lucky women out there who goes through minimal pregnancy symptoms. I must have gone through all the symptoms there are accept for maybe getting haemorrhoids or being constipated.   

            Another thing that annoys the hell out of me is when I share these feelings with people, they always tell me to be patient and take it easy. I know that’s how I’m supposed to feel but I don’t and I can’t. It is what it is. After surfing the net and finding out that I’m not the only pregnant woman who feels this way makes me feel a little better and less guilty about feeling the way I do.

            I also get this constant fear of having to go through a C-section. I am so afraid that my doctor is going to say that I’m going to need one because the baby is too big. I don’t think I could handle it if that happens as I’m deathly afraid of being cut open. Having to go the healing process is also going to be hard and will probably take a long time. I can’t have that happen to me. I refuse to.

            If I have an option of inducing labour before the baby gets too big in the next few days, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I rather go through labour pains than being cut open. I don’t need any more scars on my body than I already do thanks to the stretch marks on my belly. My body has already gone through a whole lot of changes and it would be unfair to put my body through more stress and pain.

I think it’s time for me to hold my baby in my arms instead of carrying him around in my belly. I hope my doctor finds a way of helping me get my baby out as soon as possible unless off course the baby decides to join us sooner. I would love nothing more than to finally be able to see and hold him after all this time. Let’s all pray and hope for my sake that it happens sooner rather than later. 

The Blame Game

            I have found that whenever something bad happens, most people blame God by saying that He is cruel, He doesn’t love us or that He is dead. I personally think it’s unfair and a cop out. It’s so rare that I come across people who acknowledges and praise God when good things happen to them. Most tend to internalize it and give themselves the credit. Why the double standards? It’s contradictory and arrogant.

            Let’s face it, at some point or another we are all guilty of this, including myself. But I quickly came to a realization that good or bad; it is my action that essentially determines the outcome of a situation or problem. I realized that the sooner I take responsibility of my own actions, the better I will be at facing the consequences. I don’t blame God for anything anymore; in fact I always thank God and praise myself for having faith in Him when good things happen in my life.

I believe that when you have faith in the ‘big man’ things will happen in your life. When they are good things, you get elated and you thank God for it. But when they are bad, you need to take it in stride, accept and understand that it’s only bad because you perceive it to be. I think that when bad things happen, there’s always something there for us to learn from. That’s what life lessons are.

God isn’t cruel or mean. Neither is He vengeful or unforgiving. He is always there for us and always talks to us. The problem is we have all stopped listening. We need to take time and listen to him, see the signs that He gives. Have faith in Him for everything that happens always happens for a good reason. We may not be able to see the silver lining but its there. We just need to look long enough and we’ll find it.

Take responsibility of your own actions and face the consequences. Stop the blame game and take a good look at yourselves. It is easy and convenient to blame God for everything bad that happens. If you’re comfortable in doing so, then you should also praise Him when good things take place in your life. Don’t make Him out to be an evil and vengeful entity. He is always there for us, all we need to do is embrace Him and accept our lives for what it is and strive to make it better if need be. In the end, we are the ones living it, might as well make the best out of it.

Pregnancy

            Ever since I can remember, whenever I used to see a pregnant woman with her belly sticking out, I’d wish I would have it some day. In fact, I would sometimes stuff a pillow under my dress or shirt just to see how I’d look having a pregnant belly of my own. I would gaze at it for a long time in the mirror wishing I’d be able to experience it someday.

            Never did I imagine that pregnancy is one of the hardest things a woman can put herself through. Getting pregnant has been one of the best and worst experiences of my life. Now let me just elaborate on the bad and then the good things about being pregnant. I’m going to be as blunt and honest as I possibly can as I find it therapeutic not only to myself but to other women who’s pregnant for the first time.

The bad stuff:

            I’m one of those unlucky women who put on more than 25kg in my first pregnancy, that I could hardly recognize myself. It has been hard to look at myself in the mirror and see myself growing broader and broader as the pregnancy progresses. Besides the protruding belly, I find myself putting on weight in places I never thought was possible for someone like me who’s always been slim and trim.

            I remember breaking down during a number of occasions when I couldn’t fit into my clothing. There were times I refused to get out of the house because I couldn’t find anything to wear. I know it sounds ridiculous but I have never been this heavy in my entire life.

Thanks to the weight I can barely walk for more than an hour without getting sore feet and ankles. The water retention can be a massive pain in the legs, and I mean this literally. I constantly need a massage to relieve the pain it causes. Oh and the lethargy that comes with pregnancy can be such a pain especially when you need to get things done around the house or even to just take a walk to get some fresh air.

            The stretch marks and skin changes is also the worst things about being pregnant. I like to call mine purple spider webs all over the body. Never in my life had I imagined that I would be a victim of this. Then again there’s always going to be a first. I now believe that “Stretch marks are service stripes and the badge of a real women!”

Other horrible changes would be the lack of sleep due to the constant urination that I’m sure all pregnant women go through, not being able to control your bodily functions as you could before. It’s extremely embarrassing admitting this but like I said before, I’m going to be brutally honest. There have been times when I’ve sneezed, burped and peed a little all at the same time. Most times it’s trying to control my bladder while sneezing. Sigh.

Let’s not forget my least favourite, morning sickness. Whoever named it “morning” sickness should be shot dead! It happens anytime, anywhere without any notice. Thank god mine ended after the first trimester. Heartburn is another symptom that I despise which I only started feeling in my third trimester. It can cause sleepless nights and can be extremely uncomfortable.

The hormones don’t help either as it makes me more emotional than ever. I sometimes find myself crying and laughing for no reason at all. In fact, watching television can sometimes be a challenge, as I tend to get overly emotional at the characters playing their roles.

Let’s not forget the mood swing that comes and goes without any warning. I’m so glad to have a husband who is patient and understanding. He has been there to always lift me up whenever I’m down. He doesn’t take my yelling to heart and tries his best to keep me happy.

The constant worrying doesn’t help either. I find myself worrying about the kind of mother I would be. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. I want to be the best mommy I can be to my baby but fear that I might not be able to be the ideal parent I’d like to be. There’s also the worry of whether my baby is going to accept me and not constantly cry.

Last but not least, the fear of labour pains and the labour itself. I once asked my mother how labour pains felt like and she said it’s the same as menstrual cramps but multiply it by a 1000 times! I used to suffer from severe menstrual cramps and finding out that labour pains can be worse that what I’ve experienced; only scared the hell out of me. Only god knows if I can handle it and I pray I can. After all women have had to for as long as we exist on this earth, then why not me…

The good stuff:

Now let’s get on with the best things that comes with pregnancy. First and foremost, the initial feeling you get when you find out you’re carrying a little person inside of you is completely out of this world. I don’t know about others, but once I got past the initial shock, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I felt blessed, lucky and special all at the same time and I still fell that way.

I feel like a real woman knowing that I’m making a person inside of me. It’s an indescribable feeling to know that the little person is a by-product of the love my husband and I shared right before conceiving. The baby is going to have a little of me and a little of my husband in him. A mini-me/us of sorts. 

Breaking the news to family and friends is also amazing especially when they’re all so excited and happy for you and the baby. Their well wishes and concerns are comforting. Having the emotional support also helps significantly at times when I’m not feeling too good about myself.

Going for the initial and subsequent ultrasounds is awesome. Being able to see the baby with your own eyes and hearing his heartbeat is the best thing in the world. Witnessing him grow as the months go by is always a joy.

Finding out the sex of the baby is such a pleasant surprise that it can make you cry with joy happiness. At 24 weeks, my husband and I wanted to find if I’m carrying a little boy or a girl. We didn’t have a preference as it is our first baby and we only want it to be healthy but we thought it best that we find out so we can prepare for the little bugger. During an ultrasound, we actually saw it for ourselves. When the doctor confirmed it, that’s when we knew for sure that we’re having a little prince.

Both my husband and I were pleasantly surprised and were in tears when we found out. Breaking the news to everyone about the sex of the baby is also exciting as everyone makes initial guesses only to find out whether they are right or wrong.

Shopping for the baby is such fun. Though there’s a lot to buy but seeing the adorable little outfits can be really heart warming. I want to get everything I set my eyes on that I find cute and want to get the best of the essentials our boy is going to need.

Having my husband around and being as supportive as he has been is really a blessing. He has been by my side since the day we first found out that I’m pregnant. I am truly blessed for having such an amazing man in my life that has been understanding, supporting, loving and caring throughout the pregnancy. He makes it a point to make me as comfortable as I can be. He even cooks for me when I get extremely tired. Not to mention the massages I get when I’m completely beat.

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant and the excitement and the impatience I’ve felt in the recent weeks have also been great. I have five weeks to go and I can’t wait for the day I’ll be able to hold my little precious baby boy in my arms and look at him for the very first time. I know it’s going to flood my eyes and it’s going to be the best thing in life that I have done.

Come to think of it, the excitement of having a baby does supersede all the negatives that come with being pregnant. It’s the best experience any woman can have. It would feel a whole lot better once I get to hold my baby boy and have him smile at me and grab my finger for the first time. I’m looking forward to the day when he’s going to call me mommy for the first time.

It hasn’t been easy and it’s definitely not going to get easier, but it’s definitely worth it when you have someone to call your own and to know that you’re going to be each other’s world for a long time. I’m looking forward to experiencing childbirth and being a mommy. Inshallah, I’ll be able to do my best and give my boy everything he needs and love him unconditionally.

2012

           The year 2012 was an amazing year filled with lots of ups and a few downs. It was the year my life changed for the better and turned me into an adult. The reason why I haven’t been posting anything was due to all the changes. But I’m back now to share my thoughts, feelings and my life.

Now I’m going to talk about why 2012 was an amazing year for me. It was the year I got married to the man of my dreams. We tied the knot on March 23 and it was one of the happiest days of my life. I never thought the day would ever come where someone would actually love me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m lucky to have found my soul mate and my best friend. I could not have asked for a better man. He’s perfect for me in everyway.

Our wedding was a small ceremony. Since we got married in Adelaide, not many of my friends or family members attended due to the timing and distance. I only had my mother and cousin come down. My husband had his friends attend the ceremony. We thought of coming back to Malaysia and having a dinner reception for our friends and families but I guess Allah had something else planned for the both of us.

On the morning of July 14, we found out that we’re four weeks pregnant! It was completely unexpected and the best news we both got after a long time. We were both blown away. We were trying to conceive during the first month of our marriage but when nothing happened we kind of left the idea in god’s hands and went on with life. It took three months for us to get pregnant.

The first person we told was my mother who couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She was so happy that she started screaming on the phone. After that we took some time to tell everyone else, as we wanted to be sure that nothing would go wrong within the next two months. When we did decide to break the news to everyone, they were all excited for us, which was very comforting.  

The thought of me becoming a mother has never made me happier. I have wanted to have a baby since forever. I was just looking for the right man to have it with and thank god I found him.

After a few weeks of finding out, my husband and I decided to come back to Malaysia because we were both having difficulties getting a job. The job market in Adelaide was bad and I’m sure the employment rate is still low over there. The fact that we were going to have a baby was also a big factor in why we decided to make our way back to Malaysia. I was mostly home alone and didn’t have much support. Going back to Malaysia seemed to make more and more sense as we thought about it. That way I won’t have to be alone throughout my pregnancy and will have my friends and family around for emotional support. Also, my husband was getting tired of his part time job and we both knew he could do better in Malaysia if given a chance.

We left Adelaide in August and are still here. We had a hard time at first as we had to move in with my mother due to lack of finance. We spent all our savings on flight tickets and moving our things back. It was hard not having a job and not being able to afford our own place. But things have gotten better since. My husband finally got a job after trying for months and I’m now 31 weeks pregnant with less than nine weeks to go! Things seem to be working out for us, Alhamdulillah. It’s been slow but definitely improving as time goes by. If everything goes as planned we’ll be able to move out to our own home sometime after the baby is born. For the time being, we are going to concentrate on the baby.

We’re both extremely psyched for the arrival of the baby. As daunting as it seems, becoming a mother has changed me. All I think about these days is the baby and what I can do to make our baby as comfortable as possible both in my belly and when he’s born. I hope my husband and I will be able to give our little one everything he needs. I also hope we’ll be awesome parents to our little bundle of joy. Inshallah.