Pain

Have you ever had someone rip your heart out and hand it to you, then leave you to bleed to death? I have, more than once.

I remember being in love as a child. I used to adore, admire and look forward to being with the man who made me feel safe and protected.

He used to take such good care of me. He took me everywhere he went. He showed me off to all his friends and I always saw love, affection and pride in his eyes for me.

Then one day I grew up. I became a teen and everything changed.

He became authoritative. He started watching and controlling my every move. He still loved me and took care of me, but not without conditions.

The love, affection and pride I was so used to seeing turned into resentment and disappointment.

I stayed till I lost my sanity. I lost the trust I had in him. I lost the love he had for me. I lost my father forever.

I have never looked back since. Never believed that I could find someone who could give me the security and the love he once gave me as a child.

From then on, every time I fell in love again, I ended up alone and broken.

I always believed I was worthy of love. That someone, somewhere would someday see my worth and make me his forever. Someone who could understand my heart, my love and my soul. 

Many came and left, and in the end no one stayed long enough for me to feel the love and affection I used to feel. Somehow I managed to make them stop loving me.

And for that they all ripped my heart out and left me to bleed without mercy.

I sometimes wonder what have I ever done to deserve such a sad and unfortunate fate. A life without true love…

Maybe someone, someday, somewhere would help me understand the pain that comes with this life. The unfortunate fate of loneliness we inherit and how to go on with life without ever resenting it.

Maybe… Insyallah…

Challenges

Ever wanted to do something with your life but could not because you couldn't afford it?

Well if you have then you should be glad to know that you're not alone.

In my 27 years of life, I've wanted nothing more than to make a difference in the world. I wanted to help make this world a better place. I wanted to affect and change people's lives.

My first choice in finding the right career that suited my dreams and ambition was to become a lawyer. I used to love watching shows like L. A. Law, Law & Order and other lawyer-based television shows. I used to imagine being in court and fighting my cases and winning. I thought it was the best career path for me.

Unfortunately, when the time came for me to decide on what I wanted to do after my SPM, I was discouraged by my family to do law. They felt being a lawyer in this country would not get me far and I'd have to get involved in politics if I wanted to make my name, which isn't necessarily a good thing.

For all that I've been through and experienced in life, I wanted to share my experiences with others to help them in some small way. I was always fascinated with human behavior and the human mind. So after much deliberation and research, I decided on taking up psychology and mass communications for my degree.

That was the best decision I've ever made in my life. I have never felt more suited for the job as a psychologist. Just the idea of listening to people's problems and finding solutions to help them live a better life seemed wonderful to me. I saw myself becoming an awesome Clinical Psychologist.

I have completed my degree in psychology and mass communications and am currently working for the New Straits Times as a journalist to save up enough money to do my Masters in Clinical Psychology.

The only catch is this: I hate my job but I have to stay to save up for my education.

In order for me to do my masters, I need to first complete an Honors program for a year which would cost more. I have to do one year of Honors and two years of Masters. I would need approximately RM250,000 to achieve this. And I don't have the "dough".

I don't even have any savings thanks to recent medical expenses. I am yet to recover from my medical problem and it would probably that another few months for me to get better. Even the medical bills are exorbitant! You cannot afford to be sick if you don't have the money! That's what our world has come to. Sigh.

Right now, I am at a place in my life where I've never been so desperate for money. I always believed that money was not the most important thing in the world and that you can always find it. But the truth is, money is everything and it's not easy to find. Without money, you can in no way do what you want, get a proper education even fall sick!

The problem here is this, I do not want to take any money from my mother as I believe she has done enough in educating me. Now it's my turn to take up the responsibility of finding my own way and helping her out.

It is so frustrating when all you want to do is change your life to make it better and everyone is so encouraging but you simply don't have the means to make it a reality.

Money! I wish I had a lot more than I do and knew where to look for it. My salary alone isn't enough to help me. I need to find a second job which isn't easy.

I am planning to work here for as long as I can stand it and save as much as I can before leaving the country to pursue my Masters. I doubt I'll be able to save RM250,000 by next year. Therefore, I would need to find a job, work and study at the same time once I'm in Australia.

I know its not going to be easy but at least I'll be doing it to achieve my dreams and that itself would be enough of a motivating factor for me to push myself.

It's also really sad to see those who are so fortunate to have everything, not appreciate what they have been blessed with. These people should really be grateful for all they have because the rest of the world is struggling to make ends meet.

I know what I need to do to achieve my dreams in becoming a practicing Clinical Psychology in the near future and I'm ready for one of the greatest challenges of my life. It's a scary venture but I am willing to take the leap as I know when I do achieve it, I would be the happiest woman in the world. Most importantly, I'd make myself and my mother very proud.

I have realized that nothing is easy in life especially earning enough to sustain a good life, but its worth going through it all especially when you finally get what you want and where you want to be.

Never give up on your dreams even if it seems impossible and always believe in yourself and in the Al-Mighty. In my experience if you want something bad enough, He will bless you with it, you just need to believe and be willing to face all the challenges he will throw your way. With lots of patience and perseverance, Insyallah, He will grant you with all that you need and want.

Always remember, never to give up on yourself no matter what comes your way and be grateful for all that you have in life even if it isn't much. There are many out there who are doing way worse than we are.

Think about it, if life was easy, it wouldn't mean much. Don't you want your life to mean something?

For You

If you’re reading this, know that this is a message from the bottom of my heart.

I never thought I would ever have to feel this way. You betrayed me.

You broke my heart and I keep asking myself what I ever did to deserve such a betrayal from you.

I was always there for you. I may not have been there for you the way you wanted me to but I was still always there. I always tried harder with you.

I respected you. Treated you as an equal and always took your problems seriously without judgment. I even gave you advice when you needed it the most.

I was always true to you. Never bitched about you. Never belittled you in front of others.

But all you ever did ever since the beginning of our “friendship” was use me for your own sick and selfish needs.

You held on to me when you were lonely, without anyone on your side and I never turned you down. And when you were done with me, you threw me away like I was garbage. You never kept in touch when you left and only came back to me when you lost your “best friend” and had problems with the rest. I still received you with open arms without question.

I was hurt many times by the things you said and all that you did but I always gave you the benefit of the doubt as I empathized with you and all that you were going through. I actually believed that you never meant them.

You even told me that you never cared for me and you didn’t like me. You called me dumb bimbo and actually believed in it and probably still do. You never accepted me for who I was.

Everything you have ever said to me was never true. What we had was fake all along. You were fake but a very good actor.

You fooled me into believing that you really cared and loved me and only wanted the best for me but all you ever did was use my weaknesses against me and humiliate me.

I told you things that were only meant for your ears. I even requested for you never to tell anyone. I even made you promised. But you just couldn’t wait to tell the first person you met about the latest gossip and you enjoyed every bit of it.

You even gave me advice that you never cared for much. You lied to my face. You made me believe you were a true friend.

I never questioned you or ever belittled you. I was always there to try to pick you up whenever you were down. I never humiliated you. I never betrayed you. I could never imagine doing it to you.

Even though all you ever told me were lies, I would still like to thank you for making me feel better when I needed a friend. I’m grateful for the lies.

I would also like to thank you for reminding me to always be careful with my heart and to always trust my instinct. That’s when the soul is telling you something. Only someone with a soul would understand the importance of trusting your instinct.

You never could empathize for me. You never even tried. All you ever did was gave excuses. You never take responsibility for the things that comes out of your mouth. You don’t even care about the damage you cause others.

Always remember, my “dear” friend, words are all we have. Always own what you say. Have some guts to look deep into yourself and accept all that you are. Be it good or bad. Only then might you be able to learn to love and care for another human being. And if you’re lucky, you might even learn how to empathize with others along the way.

I always told you, appreciate all that you have. Be grateful for the friends and family you have in your life, those who genuinely care about you. Do not assume that just because you’re a betrayer and a selfish liar, others are the same.

There are still honest and genuine people out there. Take my word for it, not everyone is like you. You were lucky to have such a person in your life.

You said you can’t empathize with me because you don’t trust me. How can that be when I have proven to you time and time again that you are never alone for as long as I’m still here. I even convinced you of the good I saw in you. I meant every word I said to you, whether you believe it or not.

What I can’t seem to phantom is why you did this to me? Is this how you treat the ones who love you and care about you?

Remember my “dear” friend, someone who cannot empathize and isn’t grateful for all they are blessed with will eventually end up losing everything. You’ll lose everyone. Your fears of being alone, isolated and deserted will surface again and you will start living your own worst nightmare. After all we are our own worst enemy.

For you own sake, from one human being to another, please get some professional help. You have a major problem.

Before you plan to embark on your new journey, you should resolve all your issues so you will never have to put them on those who love you. They don’t deserve anything more than your loyalty, honesty and empathy.

Stop being selfish for once in your life and start taking responsibility for ALL your actions. Face the consequences and never be too proud to apologize. And when I say apologize, it should be sincerely from the heart.

Also, stop trying to please everyone because while you’re so caught up on being who others want you to be, you’ll end up losing yourself, or in your case, worst still, never finding out who you ever are.

I never thought I’d ever say this to you but I really pity you. You don’t deserve friends! You don’t even know how to be one yourself!

You should never forget the guilt you feeling right now. Let it be a reminder for you never to betray, humiliate, lie and belittle anyone. No one deserves it, not even someone like you.

Anyway, I wish you the best in all that you attempt to embark upon. I hope someday you will find love and peace within yourself.  

Have a soul…

Empathy

Has anyone of you ever empathized with a family member, a friend, a colleague or even a stranger?

The reason why I’m asking this question is because through experience I have met people who somehow cannot seem to relate to others' feelings. In order for us to empathize, we need to first understand what it means to be empathetic.

EMPATHY. Empathy is the ability to identify with someone’s feelings and it is directly dependant on our ability to feel and identify our own feelings.

Now, if you have never felt a certain feeling, it will not only be hard but impossible for you to understand how the other person is feeling. This holds true for both pleasure and pain.

If you have never been discriminated against or been in love, you will never know the pain or pleasure someone feels from it. Reading about a feeling and intellectually knowing about it is very different than actually experiencing it for yourself.

Those who can empathize are those who are able to relate to more people from all walks of life. And then there are those who cannot seem to relate to others, most likely because they haven’t experienced, acknowledged or accepted many feelings of their own.

The first step to be able to empathize is to be able to experience your own emotions. Then, you need to become aware of what you are actually feeling, acknowledge, identify, and accept your feelings. Only then can you empathize with others. That’s why it is important to work on your own emotional awareness and sensitivity, in other words, to be “in touch with” your own feelings.

Throughout my life I have been blessed with many amazing and wonderful friends. My friends are those who have always been there for me and have never given me grief over anything. They are the ones who try their utmost best to understand my problems and try to empathize as best as they can. They have always meant well and have always wanted the best for me.

These are friends I have kept in my life for years and never plan to let go.

I have also met people who at first seem to be really nice and understanding, but then you find out that in fact they never really did understand you and never had the heart to tell you because they really wanted to be there for you and didn’t want you to feel alone.

It does seem like a kind gesture but kindness is not what you need when you’re balling and desperately need someone to understand and empathize with what you’re going through. These are the ones you’d like to trust but find it hard as they don’t seem true to themselves, let alone to you.

And finally I have met those who just can’t wait to glorify your problems and then find ways to make light of it and somehow manage to hurt you by making it more difficult for you to get over. 

This is when I step in and plead with them not to make things worse if they can’t help. They are not doing you any favors by pretending to understand and then saying things they believe to be advice but to you it feels like an attack of some kind that lacks sensitivity. You feel this way because you know deep down they just don’t get it. They don’t get the depth of the problem, why it’s even bothering you or how badly you’ve been affected by it. Instead of asking questions and trying to understand, they make assumptions. And we all know what that means; ASS.U.ME. 

This is when I really think people should stop. Don’t bother. It’s sweet and thoughtful that they even want to help. But when it starts to get worse, please walk away. Leave things be. Leave them be.

If you can’t be a good friend and a listener, please don’t be a bad one! Saves us all the trouble.

This is a great quote I think that perfectly sums up what I’m trying to convey,

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Bonnie Jean Wasmund.

Eye-Opener

Has anyone ever wondered why we never really get what we truly want or desire?

I used to be one of those people who would pray and ask for all that I wanted and desired. I think I must have made Him irritated with all my requests because most of them went unfulfilled.

At some point in my life, I actually started believing that maybe Allah just didn’t care about me due to all the wrongs I have done in my life. Maybe this was His way of punishing me for my “sins.” I almost stopped believing in Him as well as in myself.

But then to my surprise I discovered a book that I knew from the moment I heard its title, would change my life forever. A friend recommended it and I’m glad that he did. The title of the book is Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. A brilliantly written book with loads of basic questions answered in the simplest of ways.

Not to get too much into detail about the book as I would highly recommend it to anyone who’s eager to learn and improve themselves, the author basically says that: “We are responsible for the events that takes place in our lives,” “It is our thoughts, words and actions that determines what takes place in our lives.”

The gist of the book is this:

1. God has created us in the goodness and likeness of Himself.

2. God is the creator.

3. We are three beings in one. You can call these three aspects of being anything you want: Father, Son and Holy Ghost; mind, body, and spirit; superconscious, conscious, subconscious.

4. Creation is a process that proceeds from these three parts of our bodies. Put another way, we create at three levels. The tools of creation are: thought, word and deed.

5. All creation begins with thought. All creation then moves to word. All creation is fulfilled in deed.

6. That which we think of, but thereafter never speak of, creates at one level. That which we think of and speak of creates at another level. That which we think, speak, and do becomes made manifest in our realities.

7. To think, speak, and do something which we do not truly believe is impossible. Therefore the process of creation must include belief, or knowing. This is absolute faith. This is beyond hoping. This is knowing of certainty.

8. This place of knowing is a place of intense and incredible gratitude. It is a thankfulness in advance. And that, perhaps, is the biggest key to creation: to be grateful before, and for, the creation. Such taking for granted is not only condoned, but encouraged. It is the sure sign of mastery. All Masters know in advance that deed has been done.

9. Celebrate and enjoy all that you create, have created. To reject any part of it is to reject a part of you. Whatever it is that is now presenting itself as part of our creation, own it, claim it, bless it, be thankful for it. Seek not to condemn it, for to condemn it is to condemn yourself.

10. If there is some aspect of creation you find you do not enjoy, bless it and simply change it. Choose again. Call forth a new reality. Think a new thought. Say a new word. Do a new thing. Do this magnificently and the rest of the world will follow you. Ask it to. Call for it to. Say, “I am Life and the Way, follow me.”

Once we can all monitor our thoughts, the things we say and our actions, we will be in better control of our lives. We would be able to achieve anything and everything we set out hearts and minds to.

Now that I am more aware of my own destructive thoughts (thoughts that only proved to make me feel worse than I was already feeling), I am able to change them immediately before it gets sent out to the universe and before the universe starts putting them into motion.

We create our own destinies! All we have to do is to monitor our thoughts, words and actions and everything will fall into place. We’ll start seeing the changes in our lives. The more positives you think, say and do, the more positive things will take place in your life. While the more negative thoughts you have, words you use and deeds you do, the more negative events would take place, stopping you from knowing who You Really Are and who You Want To Be.

“When you catch yourself thinking negatives thoughts – think again! If you think you are in a pickle, and no good can come of this, think again. If you think the world is a bad place, filled with negative events, think again. If you think your life is falling apart, and it looks as if you’ll never get it back together again, think again.” - Neale Donald Walsch.

Remember, life is a creation, not a discovery!

Return

It’s been awhile since I last wrote anything. I was uninspired and totally distracted with “life.”

“Life” as we all know it, is full of many wonderful and not so wonderful events. For the past couple of months I went through a long and scary ride. A lot happened.

My relationship with my ex was put to rest. We decided to part due to our differences and I don’t have to tell you what that does to someone. I was obviously heart-broken and felt completely hopeless. It took a lot of self-dialogue and self-realization to begin accepting all that was and all that is now. I felt a sudden sense of peace within myself and went on living my life without a care in the world for men! Haha…

I also found out I had some medical conditions that needed immediate attention! :(

While my job took a completely different turn when I was transferred from Streets which is a section in the paper I wrote for, to Metro Red (A supposedly new publication by NSTP in collaboration with Air Asia).

For the past two months or more, I have been bored shitless at work. I have had nothing to do, no assignments to go for, no articles or stories to write. And I’m supposed to be a journalist! It has been so frustrating because I have not been able to write, about anything!

I also learnt that when you work in a big publication, people would want or try to step on your toes. And that, beauty and brains can be reasons for you to lose your place in the company and get chucked aside so you don’t get in the way of anyone who really cannot handle seeing a pretty smart thing trying to make her name. You’d think looks and brains would get your far but I’m living proof that it doesn’t always, especially if your boss happens to be someone who cares less for your existence.

During that boring period in my life, something totally unexpected happened. I wasn’t even looking for it neither was I interested in it. But little cupid actually struck me with his arrow and I had no choice but to surrender. I fell in love! Alhamdulillah! :)

I met someone who I had known for a while but never kept in touch with, someone who wasn’t even in the same country as I am. He came down for holidays and added me on Facebook. That was when and how our love bloomed into what it is now.

This man, to me, is no ordinary man. He is someone who managed to get not only my attention but captured my heart and turn me into a total mushy pot! We connected on every possible level there is. He totally got me, understood me and most importantly, accepted me for all that I am the way I learnt to accept myself. He made me want to take a risk and ride with him. I fell really hard. I fell in love with the most amazing man I’ve ever met! :)

Ever since then, only good things have taken place in my life. It’s as if he was the missing piece I needed to complete my “puzzle.” He has not only inspired me but has also managed to somehow help me be more of myself.

Not only that, things at work also started looking up when I was given the option to go back to my respective desk or continue with Metro Red as there have been some delay in its launch. I decided to take this opportunity to quit doing absolutely nothing and start doing something I probably would have never done. Work for the Crime Desk! I asked for a transfer and apparently it has been approved. All I need is for it to be official so I can start writing again! I’m a little nervous as I’ll be doing something completely out of my element. Crime! Murder! Rape! Blood! Hmmm… Lets see how I do. I’m hoping to start next month. So I’m crossing both my fingers and toes.

My ex and I are now friends and he has helped me through a lot. God bless you for everything you’ve done for me. I’m grateful to have you in my life. Thank you! :)

Alhamdulillah! My health is improving. It cost me a fortune but it’s totally worth it cause I’m totally worth it!

Now I’m really looking forward to living and experiencing my “brand new” life. I call it brand new because that’s how I feel, “brand new!” And I can’t wait to see what’s next for little old me. It’s definitely going to be a ride but one that’s going to be totally worth experiencing with many surprises in store. Insyallah!

:)

Prayer

I’ve had the worst luck lately!

First, my brand new iPhone 3GS was stolen right out of my sling bag at a party I attended.

Then a truck and another car hit my car while I was on my way to work. Thank Allah no one was hurt in the accident. Unfortunately for me, though the truck driver sped off without stopping. I didn’t even get a chance to take down his car number plate. I’ll have to spend approximately RM2,500 to fix my car.

When all this happened to me, I thought to myself: “Why have my luck been so bad lately?”, “Why did all this happen to me?”, “What did I do to deserve all this?”

And then it hit me!

This was all happening to me because I missed some of my prayers throughout the week. I was more preoccupied with other less important things that I took Allah for granted and didn’t thank him for all the blessings and good fortunes He has granted me with. I didn’t ask him for protection against misfortunes.

It was my own doing! I allowed myself to be distracted from the most important thing in life. Allah!

How could I have been so self-absorbed and selfish to only think of myself and not to take a little time off to thank the Big Man up there for everything that I am?!

When I performed my prayers regularly, my whole life just fell into place. I started feeling a sudden calmness in me that made me sail through my days without any difficulties or misfortunes.

I was even calm while driving! For those of you who don’t already me, I can’t stand idiots on the road. I don’t tolerate idiotic drivers who don’t have any common sense on the road. And believe me when I say this, there are way too many of them out there. It would usually make me boil and curse in anger. But thanks to my regular prayers, they didn’t bother me as much as before.

This has truly been a lesson for me. I always knew that prayer was important but never knew how essential it was until now.

I cannot help but emphasize on how important and essential it is for us to engage in our daily prayers. There are many physical, psychological and spiritual benefits of prayer. Not only does it expiate sins, it’s rewarding, purifies the soul, soothes the heart and is said to cure many diseases.

A study conducted by the University of Malaysia’s Biomedical Engineering Department concluded that postures during the prayers are beneficial to the heart, spine and the capacity of memory and attention.

Even the performance of ablution (condition for prayer) can be very beneficial to our physical health. It stimulates the biological rhythms of the body and specifically the Biological Active Spots (BASes). It also has a positive effect on the nervous and reproductive systems and can decrease high blood pressure and relieve throat and tooth pain.

Not only that, performing ablution can even prevent gum problems, skin cancer, eye infections, wrinkles and even athlete’s foot.

Amazing isn’t it the wonders of prayer!

Now that we know how beneficial prayer can be to our physical, psychological and spiritual health, what are we waiting for? Lets all thank the Big Man for showing us ways to life our lives in a morale and healthier manner. He’s given us all the resources to use to improve our lives. Let’s start using it and not abusing it! Let’s all be grateful and ask for His blessings and forgiveness.

I came across a few duas for forgiveness and I personally like them because when I recite them with an open heart and with good intentions, I feel calm and comforted by the thought that Allah has forgiven me for all my sins and that He will never forsake me even if others do. Misfortunes you face are just reminders of what you’re doing wrong in your life. I see them as signs given by Allah to guide us to the right path.

We are all sinners and we never stop sinning till the day we die. Why not ask for his forgiveness, blessings and guidance?

(Our Lord! we have indeed believed: forgive us, then, our sins, and save us from the agony of the Fire) 
[surah Ali' Imran; 3:16]

(Glory to our Lord! Verily we have been doing wrong!) 
[68:29]

(There is no God but You; Glory be to You, Truly I have been one of the wrongdoers)
 [Surah al-Anbiyah, 21: 87]

(Glory be to Thee! To Thee I turn in repentance, and I am the first to believe)
 [surah al-A'raf, 7:143]

(O Allah! Forgive me all my sins, great and small, the first and the last, those that are apparent and those that are hidden)
 [Muslim 1:350]

(O Allah! I ask You, O Allah, You are the One, the Only, Self Sufficient Master, who was not begotten and begets not and none is equal to Him. Forgive me my sins, surely you are Forgiving, Merciful.) 
[Abu Dawud, an Nasa'i, ibn Majah, at Tirmidhi]

(I seek the Forgiveness of Allah and repent to Him.) 
[to be reicted 100 times during the day] 
[Sahih al Bukhari, Muslim 4:2075]

(Glory be to You, O Allah, and all Praise, I testify that there is no deity but You, I seek Your Forgiveness and to You do I repent.)
 [3 times] [recommended for at the end of meetings, atoning for infractions during it] 
[at Tabari, an Nasa'i, al Hakim]

(Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us, Thou art our Protector; Help us against those who stand against Faith)
 [surah al-Baqarah; 2:286]

(O Allah! You are my Lord! None has the right to be worshipped but You. You created me and I am Your slave, and I am faithful to my covenant and my promise as much as I can. I seek refuge with You from all the evil I have done. I acknowledge before You all the blessings You have bestowed upon me, and I confess to You all my sins. So I entreat You to forgive my sins, for nobody can forgive sins except You.)

Shaddad ibn Aws (radiAllahu anhu) relates that the Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) said that he (Sayyid al-Istighfar) most superior way of asking for forgiveness from Allah is to say (the above du'a). That "If somebody recites it during the day with firm faith in it, and dies on the same day before the evening, he will be from the people of Paradise; and if somebody recites it at night with firm faith in it, and dies before the morning, he will be from the people of Paradise." 
[sahih al-Bukhari; 8,75,318, at-Tirmidhi; 3393, an-Nasa'i; 5522, Ahmad; 16662]



(O Allah, I seek Your forgiveness for all my sins. I ask You to forgive me for all my wrongdoings [mazalim] against people that You have recorded, for there are many rights [huquq] and dues [mazalim] owed to Your servants that I am burdened with and for which I am hostage [murtahin]. O Allah, even if these (wrongdoings) are many they are insignificant in comparison with the magnitude of Your forgiveness. O Allah, any male or female servant of Yours who has rights upon me, in either that I have unjustly taken from him [ghasabtu] in regards to his land, possession, honor, body; whether he was absent or present; or he or his representatives demanded it from me and neither was I able to return it to him nor did I seek release of it from him. So I ask You through Your benevolence, generosity, and abundance of what You possess that You satisfy them on my behalf, and not give them a position over me that will decrease my good deeds; for You possess what You can satisfy them with on my behalf and I do not possess what to satisfy them with; and do not allow for their bad deeds to find a path over my good deeds on the Day of Judgment.)
 [From 'The Prayers of Forgiveness that Save from the Hellfire' by Hasan al-Basri] 


Realize

There comes a time when all you can do is surrender to life. Let what we call life take us through a journey of self-discovery and self-realization.

Lately, I’ve discovered that I never really trusted my instincts. Due to all the distractions I surround myself with, I wasn’t able to see what I was actually being bombarded with.

Have you ever found yourself wanting something so much but at the same time feeling that it’s not good for you? I know I have many times in my life.

The conflicting feelings, the obvious signs, the willingness to allow yourself to be swept away by lust, greed, anger, envy, gluttony, pride and sloth (the seven deadly sins!) by feeling as little remorse as possible.

These are the few things most of us would find ourselves go through when we know in our hearts and when our instinct is shouting out to us that what we are doing or are about to do isn’t exactly the reality we perceive it to be.

Why don’t we ever trust ourselves enough to trust our instincts? Why do we rather go through life aimlessly, without pride, respect, empathy and priorities? Why do we allow ourselves to be so disillusioned by materialism that we forget what we’re all really capable off greatness and a lot more than we give ourselves credit for?

We always forget that is a reason we’re here on this earth and it is our life’s purpose to figure what the reason is. We are all great and special in our own unique ways. We all have a lot to offer if only we allow ourselves to discover who we really are.

All of us are still on the path of self-discovery and probably will always be as everything changes and nothing ever stays the same. Unfortunately though, there are those out there who are too afraid to see themselves for who they really are. They would rather rot in denial their entire lives.

Self-discovery can be scary especially when you find out things you don’t like about yourself but ultimately, it’s the best gift or opportunity you could ever give yourself to live a more fulfilling life without much regret.

There isn’t anything wrong with discovering your weaknesses and imperfections because you’re going to discover your strengths and talent at the same time. I personally think it’s a win-win situation. After that, all you have to do is to perfect your positives and work on the negatives! But remember it’s a long process and would take time. Have patience! It always works out in the end.Always aim to be the best and never settle for anything less!

Appreciate all you have now and work towards achieving all you want in the future!

But never forget your values, principles and mostly who you really are!

Valentine's

I came across something quite interesting about the origins of Valentine’s Day.

First of all, this day has been attributed to different saints by the name of Valentine and with many different theories in regards to the origins of this day.

In the ancient pagan cultures of Rome and Greece, the month of February is the month of romance, fertility and spring, which goes to show that this day is not a festival celebrated by Christians.

Apparently, Valentine’s Day originated from two pagan festivals called Lupercalia and the Feast of Juno Februata. They are both celebrated on February 15^th.

Lupercalia celebrated fertility in honor of a Roman God, Lupercus. He was the embodiment of fertility, sexuality and lust. He was basically half-man and half-goat.

To officiate the festival, two naked boys, assisted by Vestal virgins would sacrifice a goat and a dog. The youths would anoint themselves with the blood of the animals and cut the goat’s skin into long strips called Februa. The boys would run around and strike any girl that came close with the Februa, which was done to bestow fertility to the girls and purify them from curses and bad luck.

The Feast of Juno Februata (The Lover’s Lottery) would be celebrated after Lupercalia in the honor of Juno Februa who was a Roman Goddess of love, marriage and women.

For the feast, the girls would write their names on slips of paper and boys would then pick them out of a container. The girl whose name is on the slip would become the boy’s partner for the “entire day”.

It was in 494 AD, that Pope Gelasius I decided to suppress pagan festivals during the reign of the Roman Emperor Constantine (288-337 AD) who accepted Christianity but continued celebrating pagan festivals.

He did that by attempting to Christianize these two festivals. He replaced Lupercalia with the Feast of Purfication of Virgin Mary celebrated on February 15^th till this very day.

He also replaced the Feast of Juno Februata with St. Valentine’s Day and moved it to February 14^th. Instead of having a lottery of girls, the lottery was now replaced with the names of Christian saints, whom the youths would pick out and emulate them for the day.

In short, Valentine’s Day originates from ancient pagan cultures and was Christianized because the people refused to stop celebrating them.

Some people object to celebrating this day as its seen as highly perverted and an insult to women. It is not only seen as a celebration of fertility and love but also encourages the fulfillment of lust, desire and sex.

While others just want to have a dedicated day where they can shower and be showered with special gifts and gestures to and by loved ones.

Whether or not people should celebrate this day is entirely up to them. I only hope that they know what this day or any other day of celebration symbolizes so they know exactly what they are doing. This also applies to everything else we do in our lives.

I’m making a public service announcement to everyone:

“Please be aware of what you do and why you do it. Educate yourselves if necessary. Life would have more meaning and make more sense this way.”

Tribulations

It’s one of the most beautiful things to experience when someone finally finds his or her way in life.

But it’s also one of the hardest things to follow through with this newfound knowledge or realization.

Transitioning from who you were into who you want to become is hard enough to do when you have people around who doesn’t want that for you.

The saying “You are your own worst enemy!” is true. Not only does it sum up the nature of human beings but it also implies how we all have it in us to go astray and live in our own hell.

I remember the day I promised myself I would not party the way I used to anymore and not consume anything that is forbidden for a Muslim. I was so happy and proud of myself that I was able to make such a huge commitment not only to myself but also to Islam.

When I decided to share the great news with some of my friends, I was very surprised with the reactions and comments I received.

Some were genuinely happy for me and thought that if this sudden change is going to be good for me then I should do it without hesitation. I had their support.

Others were surprised and didn’t think I could ever live up to it.

As for the rest of them, not only did they mock me, they actually thought I was wasting my time doing it for the sake of religion. They thought it was pointless.

Someone even told me: “Religion is a trap! Don’t fall into it. You’re better off without it!”

It seemed to me that none of them knew much about their own religion. Forget other world religions!

At first I was angry because I expected some support as for once in my life I was doing something good for myself. But then it dawned upon me that the reason why they cannot fathom the idea that someone has found solace in religion is because they don’t really understand religion or the importance of it.

Not only that, I also believe they are afraid to look for answers as they are afraid of what they might find out. And I can be almost 100% certain that they wont like it because it wont fit with their lifestyles.

I have disregarded all that I’ve been told and I’m currently focusing on improving myself.

My social life isn’t like it used to be before. These days I avoid going to clubs. I prefer little gatherings among close friends, something more intimate and comfortable.

Maybe it’s me getting older or maybe I just feel it’s pointless for me to spend my entire weekend clubbing. What good is it going to do for me? I’d rather spend it at home with my loved ones or on something more productive than “clubbing”.

It's hard enough having to deal with your own demons, and then you find out that some of your friends think you're crazy for wanting to lead a healthier lifestyle.

Apparently the way I want to live is not normal in this time of age. Someone who doesn't party and doesn't drink is known to be boring. Most people don't want to hang out with people like me.

The truth is, I'm still the same Natasha I was before minus these other insignificant things. But that isn’t good enough. For some I am already the person they would think twice to invite to a party or a gathering because to them I'm not fun to be with anymore as I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the “high”.

Its really sad to know that in today's world socializing means having to go to clubs, bars or joints where there is plenty of alcohol to go around. A party without servings of alcohol is labeled as a party for "losers" who don't know how to enjoy themselves.

Why does someone have to succumb to this kind of peer pressure just to feel like they belong?

I'm very happy to say that I have never had to succumb to peer pressure as all I did before what exactly what I wanted to do. I take complete responsibility for all my actions.

But think about those who are vulnerable to peer pressure? The ones who truly believes that the only way they can get to be cool and feel wanted is by doing things that others do that may not be beneficial to them.

What kind of world do we live in? Everything is opposite!

These days, you will never get the support you need if you wanted to change your life for the better and turn to religion for guidance. Instead you get mocked for being naïve and stupid.

But if you're doing things that could eventually lead you to trouble, everyone suddenly seems supportive. Everyone starts thinking that you're cool and wild and they want to be just like you. Carefree. Some even envy you for it!

Why can't people envy those who are on the right path? Why can't that be motivation or inspiration for others to gain from?

I am really puzzled by our fellow earthlings. Everything that was deemed good and moral is now considered stupid or pointless. While everything that was considered bad and immoral is now acceptable and even commendable.

I don’t want to sound like a prude and I’m definitely not one for my track record speaks for itself. But what has our world come to? What are we really doing with our lives? Do we really know who we are and where we’re heading?

Think about it!

Revelation

My ever-complicating relationship with religion resurfaced only recently.

But before I get to that, allow me to say a few words about myself.

I’m Natasha Ilyas, 26+, e and I’ve lived in Kuala Lumpur my entire life.

I’m the only child, so I definitely have the “only-child-syndrome” (OCS). Its something my friends and I came up with. We all happen to be only children in our families. We’re all women who know we have a huge responsibility to fulfill.

Those with OCS tend to be friendly, outspoken, intelligent, responsible, hardworking and ambitious. Another commonality we all have is the massive attention we receive from our parents causing them to be over-protective and filled with paranoia every time we get involved in something new.

Most of our parents want us to live the life they never had. I know this sounds like a lot of us but only an only child would know the intensity and pressure we have to sometimes face. J

I attended the Bukit Bintang Girl’s School (class of 2000) and continued in Sunway, KDU then finally completed my degree in HELP University College.

I majored in psychology and mass communication. I personally believe my calling is in the field of psychology.

My first ever job was as a therapist for autistic children. It was the most fulfilling job I’ve ever had the opportunity to have. I worked with four autistic children and they all inspired me even more to go after my dream of becoming a clinical psychologist with my own practice.

My second job however, was not meant for me. I was in advertising servicing clients. I was there for a whole month and it seemed like forever. I remember crying my eyes out the last week of my employment because I couldn’t handle how rude the clients were to me. You see, I’m not cut out for that. I basically don’t take shit from no one especially if I know I don’t deserve it. I just wasn’t cut out for it.

Currently I work for the New Straits Times. I’m a cadet reporter. I used to write for the news desk but now I write for the Streets section. I’m still under probation and hope to be confirmed in the next three months.

I love to read, watch movies, documentaries, stand-up comedies and doing research. I also enjoy hanging out with friends and just babble away.

I am a Muslim who was never religious. In fact, I didn’t know much about my own religion. All I knew was that my religion forbade me from drinking alcohol, eating pork and engaging in non-marital sex, while encouraging me to fast for 30 days and that Muslim men were allowed to marry four women while Muslim women were only allowed to marry one man. I never really bothered finding out why we were forbidden or encouraged to do all these things. I just didn’t want to go there. Probably because I knew going down that road would cause change, which I wasn’t ready to make.

I learned how to pray through how-to-pray books and since I couldn’t read in Arabic, I learnt all the verses through transliterations. I prayed as often as I could or whenever I remembered to.

I wasn’t a complete hopeless, but I did engage in a lot of activities that was either forbidden or discouraged by my religion. Even though I knew that, I continued to live the way I was comfortable living, without a care in the world for anything or anyone. All I wanted to do was gratify all of my needs because that’s what I thought living life was all about.

I was encouraged to watch a documentary by a friend that completely turned my life around.

It gave me a so much to think about, not just about the way I view religion, but also about the society and the world. It made me so curious about the information I was bombarded with that I started doing my own research and finding out more things.

I knew I was onto something. Suddenly everything in life started making sense. I understood my religion and how important it was for an individual to belief in something bigger than him. That was when I knew what it meant to be a Muslim and what my responsibilities were towards my “new found faith”.

I am now a practicing Muslim. I have a newfound love for Islam.

I know many of you may think I’m just another naïve, gullible woman who has suddenly turned to religion because everything else hasn’t worked.

The truth of the matter is, I was not only naïve and gullible but I was also completely misguided about life before. And yes, I decided to turn to religion because nothing else worked for me.

I have been struggling with life all this while and all I had to do was just to have some faith in myself and in Allah, continue doing what I was doing right and everything else just fell into place.

I am a much calmer person now with a more positive outlook of life. I am passionate about everything I do and I have the confidence to achieve all I set my mind to do.

I also believe that everything that happens in my life is meant to be and that it would always turn out to be the best for me in the end.

Allah never disappoints. He just knows what’s best for you and what isn’t. The sooner people start realizing this, they will be much happier and contended with all they have.

Religion

Religion! Something I never had any interest connecting with.

It has always been a subject I’ve avoided all my life.

I had a bad first experience with religion and everything else just fell right into motion.

I lived my life without having any reservations or ever thinking twice about what I got myself into. I never really had a moral compass. I was content with all the freedom I had to do all I wanted to without thinking about the consequences or the effect it would have on me.

You see, two different people who had completely opposite views on religion brought me up.

My mother was always the religious one. Always trying to instill some knowledge of religion in me.

My father on the other hand was an atheist. He didn’t believe in a creator and was adamant in his belief in the evolutionary theory. Though he never tried instilling any kind of religious belief or his belief in theories in me while I was growing up, I knew he didn’t want me to fall into any religious mambo jumbo.

I always knew my parents resented each other for their differing beliefs about religion and I was definitely affected by this.

My interest in learning about Islam was lost or shall I say tainted when I attended a religious school (sekolah agama).

It was the worst experience I ever had as a seven-year-old kid.

Most of the kids who went to the school already had some knowledge of how to read in Arabic. I, however was not as fortunate. I was never sent to learn how to read the Quran (mengaji). And that was one of the reasons why it got so unbearable for me.

Not only did I not know how to read the Quran, I was also the only Pakistani-Punjabi there. I was taller than everyone my age and I stood out because I looked different from the other Malay kids who went there.

One evening the ustazah (teacher) decided to get the students to read a few verses from Quran out loud. And to my horror I was the first to be called out. Imagine how I felt. I didn’t know how to read in Arabic. I knew I was going to make a fool out of myself and everyone was going to laugh at me.

Well I was right. As soon as I was called out to read, I stood up while the class quiet down and completely froze. I had no idea what I was looking at on the board. I must have stood there for almost a minute until the ustazah decided to say something to me.

“How old are you?” she asked.

“Seven years old,” I replied nervously.

“Why don’t you know how to read these simple versus?” she mocked.

“Because I never went for mengaji,” I answered, completely terrified.

“Hhhmmmmm. Just sit down,” she mumbled.

That was all I ever heard her say to me and the kids teased me for an entire week in the class and bus.

Thank god my father noticed that I was always sad. He asked me. I told him. And that was the last I ever saw the school or the kids who went there.

My father was outraged and very disappointed with the way the ustazah handled the situation. She didn’t even try to teach me or encourage me to learn.

Years after that my mother decided it was time for me to learn how to finally read the Quran. So I was sent to mengaji class. I remember being extremely nervous my first time. But I was calmed by the niceness of the ustazah. She was strict nonetheless but very encouraging. I was finally learning.

Unfortunately it didn’t last long as I was then sent to live with my grandparents. I did it half way again!

That was the last time I ever attempted to learn. I started caring less and less as I grew and realized that you don’t need to learn how to read the Quran to go to college or deal with people. In the real world no one really cares if you know how to read the Quran or even pray. You’re judged based on how you look, what you wear, what you drive, what your job is and whom you hang out with.