Pregnancy Blues

            I am currently 38 weeks pregnant and I’m sick and tired of it! I know this may sound harsh and unacceptable to most women and probably men but this is the way I feel. Quite frankly I started feeling this way during the end of my second trimester but now it’s only getting worse.

            It’s getting more and more uncomfortable to sleep. Even sleeping on my sides is getting harder to do. I wake up at least 10 times at night thanks to my ever-full bladder. My feet are more often sore than not and they hurt. I get leg cramps and body aches. I’m always tired and can hardly breathe properly. I’m always feeling hot and stuffy. I can barely walk straight thanks to all the weight I’ve gained and the feeling of having a bowling ball in between my thighs. I sometimes find myself crying to my husband and throwing fits because of how uncomfortable I feel.

            Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby and I would go through anything for him but it’s getting harder and harder as the days go by. I know I have less than two weeks and yet I already want my baby out. I’ll be probably be judged by most people for feeling this way but I, quite frankly don’t care. Getting pregnant is so easy but staying pregnant takes a lot of strength and patience.

            I was always one of those women who couldn’t wait to get pregnant and wanted to experience having that pregnant belly. But now that I actually do, I never imagined it would be this hard. I’m not one of the lucky women out there who goes through minimal pregnancy symptoms. I must have gone through all the symptoms there are accept for maybe getting haemorrhoids or being constipated.   

            Another thing that annoys the hell out of me is when I share these feelings with people, they always tell me to be patient and take it easy. I know that’s how I’m supposed to feel but I don’t and I can’t. It is what it is. After surfing the net and finding out that I’m not the only pregnant woman who feels this way makes me feel a little better and less guilty about feeling the way I do.

            I also get this constant fear of having to go through a C-section. I am so afraid that my doctor is going to say that I’m going to need one because the baby is too big. I don’t think I could handle it if that happens as I’m deathly afraid of being cut open. Having to go the healing process is also going to be hard and will probably take a long time. I can’t have that happen to me. I refuse to.

            If I have an option of inducing labour before the baby gets too big in the next few days, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I rather go through labour pains than being cut open. I don’t need any more scars on my body than I already do thanks to the stretch marks on my belly. My body has already gone through a whole lot of changes and it would be unfair to put my body through more stress and pain.

I think it’s time for me to hold my baby in my arms instead of carrying him around in my belly. I hope my doctor finds a way of helping me get my baby out as soon as possible unless off course the baby decides to join us sooner. I would love nothing more than to finally be able to see and hold him after all this time. Let’s all pray and hope for my sake that it happens sooner rather than later. 

The Blame Game

            I have found that whenever something bad happens, most people blame God by saying that He is cruel, He doesn’t love us or that He is dead. I personally think it’s unfair and a cop out. It’s so rare that I come across people who acknowledges and praise God when good things happen to them. Most tend to internalize it and give themselves the credit. Why the double standards? It’s contradictory and arrogant.

            Let’s face it, at some point or another we are all guilty of this, including myself. But I quickly came to a realization that good or bad; it is my action that essentially determines the outcome of a situation or problem. I realized that the sooner I take responsibility of my own actions, the better I will be at facing the consequences. I don’t blame God for anything anymore; in fact I always thank God and praise myself for having faith in Him when good things happen in my life.

I believe that when you have faith in the ‘big man’ things will happen in your life. When they are good things, you get elated and you thank God for it. But when they are bad, you need to take it in stride, accept and understand that it’s only bad because you perceive it to be. I think that when bad things happen, there’s always something there for us to learn from. That’s what life lessons are.

God isn’t cruel or mean. Neither is He vengeful or unforgiving. He is always there for us and always talks to us. The problem is we have all stopped listening. We need to take time and listen to him, see the signs that He gives. Have faith in Him for everything that happens always happens for a good reason. We may not be able to see the silver lining but its there. We just need to look long enough and we’ll find it.

Take responsibility of your own actions and face the consequences. Stop the blame game and take a good look at yourselves. It is easy and convenient to blame God for everything bad that happens. If you’re comfortable in doing so, then you should also praise Him when good things take place in your life. Don’t make Him out to be an evil and vengeful entity. He is always there for us, all we need to do is embrace Him and accept our lives for what it is and strive to make it better if need be. In the end, we are the ones living it, might as well make the best out of it.

Pregnancy

            Ever since I can remember, whenever I used to see a pregnant woman with her belly sticking out, I’d wish I would have it some day. In fact, I would sometimes stuff a pillow under my dress or shirt just to see how I’d look having a pregnant belly of my own. I would gaze at it for a long time in the mirror wishing I’d be able to experience it someday.

            Never did I imagine that pregnancy is one of the hardest things a woman can put herself through. Getting pregnant has been one of the best and worst experiences of my life. Now let me just elaborate on the bad and then the good things about being pregnant. I’m going to be as blunt and honest as I possibly can as I find it therapeutic not only to myself but to other women who’s pregnant for the first time.

The bad stuff:

            I’m one of those unlucky women who put on more than 25kg in my first pregnancy, that I could hardly recognize myself. It has been hard to look at myself in the mirror and see myself growing broader and broader as the pregnancy progresses. Besides the protruding belly, I find myself putting on weight in places I never thought was possible for someone like me who’s always been slim and trim.

            I remember breaking down during a number of occasions when I couldn’t fit into my clothing. There were times I refused to get out of the house because I couldn’t find anything to wear. I know it sounds ridiculous but I have never been this heavy in my entire life.

Thanks to the weight I can barely walk for more than an hour without getting sore feet and ankles. The water retention can be a massive pain in the legs, and I mean this literally. I constantly need a massage to relieve the pain it causes. Oh and the lethargy that comes with pregnancy can be such a pain especially when you need to get things done around the house or even to just take a walk to get some fresh air.

            The stretch marks and skin changes is also the worst things about being pregnant. I like to call mine purple spider webs all over the body. Never in my life had I imagined that I would be a victim of this. Then again there’s always going to be a first. I now believe that “Stretch marks are service stripes and the badge of a real women!”

Other horrible changes would be the lack of sleep due to the constant urination that I’m sure all pregnant women go through, not being able to control your bodily functions as you could before. It’s extremely embarrassing admitting this but like I said before, I’m going to be brutally honest. There have been times when I’ve sneezed, burped and peed a little all at the same time. Most times it’s trying to control my bladder while sneezing. Sigh.

Let’s not forget my least favourite, morning sickness. Whoever named it “morning” sickness should be shot dead! It happens anytime, anywhere without any notice. Thank god mine ended after the first trimester. Heartburn is another symptom that I despise which I only started feeling in my third trimester. It can cause sleepless nights and can be extremely uncomfortable.

The hormones don’t help either as it makes me more emotional than ever. I sometimes find myself crying and laughing for no reason at all. In fact, watching television can sometimes be a challenge, as I tend to get overly emotional at the characters playing their roles.

Let’s not forget the mood swing that comes and goes without any warning. I’m so glad to have a husband who is patient and understanding. He has been there to always lift me up whenever I’m down. He doesn’t take my yelling to heart and tries his best to keep me happy.

The constant worrying doesn’t help either. I find myself worrying about the kind of mother I would be. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. I want to be the best mommy I can be to my baby but fear that I might not be able to be the ideal parent I’d like to be. There’s also the worry of whether my baby is going to accept me and not constantly cry.

Last but not least, the fear of labour pains and the labour itself. I once asked my mother how labour pains felt like and she said it’s the same as menstrual cramps but multiply it by a 1000 times! I used to suffer from severe menstrual cramps and finding out that labour pains can be worse that what I’ve experienced; only scared the hell out of me. Only god knows if I can handle it and I pray I can. After all women have had to for as long as we exist on this earth, then why not me…

The good stuff:

Now let’s get on with the best things that comes with pregnancy. First and foremost, the initial feeling you get when you find out you’re carrying a little person inside of you is completely out of this world. I don’t know about others, but once I got past the initial shock, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I felt blessed, lucky and special all at the same time and I still fell that way.

I feel like a real woman knowing that I’m making a person inside of me. It’s an indescribable feeling to know that the little person is a by-product of the love my husband and I shared right before conceiving. The baby is going to have a little of me and a little of my husband in him. A mini-me/us of sorts. 

Breaking the news to family and friends is also amazing especially when they’re all so excited and happy for you and the baby. Their well wishes and concerns are comforting. Having the emotional support also helps significantly at times when I’m not feeling too good about myself.

Going for the initial and subsequent ultrasounds is awesome. Being able to see the baby with your own eyes and hearing his heartbeat is the best thing in the world. Witnessing him grow as the months go by is always a joy.

Finding out the sex of the baby is such a pleasant surprise that it can make you cry with joy happiness. At 24 weeks, my husband and I wanted to find if I’m carrying a little boy or a girl. We didn’t have a preference as it is our first baby and we only want it to be healthy but we thought it best that we find out so we can prepare for the little bugger. During an ultrasound, we actually saw it for ourselves. When the doctor confirmed it, that’s when we knew for sure that we’re having a little prince.

Both my husband and I were pleasantly surprised and were in tears when we found out. Breaking the news to everyone about the sex of the baby is also exciting as everyone makes initial guesses only to find out whether they are right or wrong.

Shopping for the baby is such fun. Though there’s a lot to buy but seeing the adorable little outfits can be really heart warming. I want to get everything I set my eyes on that I find cute and want to get the best of the essentials our boy is going to need.

Having my husband around and being as supportive as he has been is really a blessing. He has been by my side since the day we first found out that I’m pregnant. I am truly blessed for having such an amazing man in my life that has been understanding, supporting, loving and caring throughout the pregnancy. He makes it a point to make me as comfortable as I can be. He even cooks for me when I get extremely tired. Not to mention the massages I get when I’m completely beat.

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant and the excitement and the impatience I’ve felt in the recent weeks have also been great. I have five weeks to go and I can’t wait for the day I’ll be able to hold my little precious baby boy in my arms and look at him for the very first time. I know it’s going to flood my eyes and it’s going to be the best thing in life that I have done.

Come to think of it, the excitement of having a baby does supersede all the negatives that come with being pregnant. It’s the best experience any woman can have. It would feel a whole lot better once I get to hold my baby boy and have him smile at me and grab my finger for the first time. I’m looking forward to the day when he’s going to call me mommy for the first time.

It hasn’t been easy and it’s definitely not going to get easier, but it’s definitely worth it when you have someone to call your own and to know that you’re going to be each other’s world for a long time. I’m looking forward to experiencing childbirth and being a mommy. Inshallah, I’ll be able to do my best and give my boy everything he needs and love him unconditionally.

2012

           The year 2012 was an amazing year filled with lots of ups and a few downs. It was the year my life changed for the better and turned me into an adult. The reason why I haven’t been posting anything was due to all the changes. But I’m back now to share my thoughts, feelings and my life.

Now I’m going to talk about why 2012 was an amazing year for me. It was the year I got married to the man of my dreams. We tied the knot on March 23 and it was one of the happiest days of my life. I never thought the day would ever come where someone would actually love me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m lucky to have found my soul mate and my best friend. I could not have asked for a better man. He’s perfect for me in everyway.

Our wedding was a small ceremony. Since we got married in Adelaide, not many of my friends or family members attended due to the timing and distance. I only had my mother and cousin come down. My husband had his friends attend the ceremony. We thought of coming back to Malaysia and having a dinner reception for our friends and families but I guess Allah had something else planned for the both of us.

On the morning of July 14, we found out that we’re four weeks pregnant! It was completely unexpected and the best news we both got after a long time. We were both blown away. We were trying to conceive during the first month of our marriage but when nothing happened we kind of left the idea in god’s hands and went on with life. It took three months for us to get pregnant.

The first person we told was my mother who couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She was so happy that she started screaming on the phone. After that we took some time to tell everyone else, as we wanted to be sure that nothing would go wrong within the next two months. When we did decide to break the news to everyone, they were all excited for us, which was very comforting.  

The thought of me becoming a mother has never made me happier. I have wanted to have a baby since forever. I was just looking for the right man to have it with and thank god I found him.

After a few weeks of finding out, my husband and I decided to come back to Malaysia because we were both having difficulties getting a job. The job market in Adelaide was bad and I’m sure the employment rate is still low over there. The fact that we were going to have a baby was also a big factor in why we decided to make our way back to Malaysia. I was mostly home alone and didn’t have much support. Going back to Malaysia seemed to make more and more sense as we thought about it. That way I won’t have to be alone throughout my pregnancy and will have my friends and family around for emotional support. Also, my husband was getting tired of his part time job and we both knew he could do better in Malaysia if given a chance.

We left Adelaide in August and are still here. We had a hard time at first as we had to move in with my mother due to lack of finance. We spent all our savings on flight tickets and moving our things back. It was hard not having a job and not being able to afford our own place. But things have gotten better since. My husband finally got a job after trying for months and I’m now 31 weeks pregnant with less than nine weeks to go! Things seem to be working out for us, Alhamdulillah. It’s been slow but definitely improving as time goes by. If everything goes as planned we’ll be able to move out to our own home sometime after the baby is born. For the time being, we are going to concentrate on the baby.

We’re both extremely psyched for the arrival of the baby. As daunting as it seems, becoming a mother has changed me. All I think about these days is the baby and what I can do to make our baby as comfortable as possible both in my belly and when he’s born. I hope my husband and I will be able to give our little one everything he needs. I also hope we’ll be awesome parents to our little bundle of joy. Inshallah.

Awareness

The Nazi Technique:

"Why of course the people don't want war. Why should some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia, nor in England; nor for the matter in Germany.

That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship."

"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for their lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same for any country."

(This is from a Major Nazi, Hermann Goering)

The reason I have decided to share this with you is for you to see that this is exactly whats happening all around the world.

Governments and leaders do not care about the masses.

We are disposable to them! Our lives aren't valued by our governments and leaders.

Those who do, are assassinated for seeking and speaking the truth...

So my hope is for you guys to never stop searching for the truth.

You don't need people or books telling you the truth.

The truth lies within us all...

We just need to be aware of what is going on around us and spread the word.

Become aware! Ignorance isn't bliss when everything is right under your nose!

Never underestimate the power of collective awareness and energy...

It can move mountains and open up skies.

Awareness is key to change while self-awareness is key to freedom!

"Sicko"

I recently watched Michael Moore’s Sicko and was blown away by what was documented.

The documentary centres on the U.S. health care system in comparison with non-profit universal health care systems of Canada, the United Kingdom, France and Cuba.

Did you know that in 2007 the U.S. ranked #37 as a health system by the World Health Organization? Or the fact that Canadians, the English and the French live longer than an average American or that insurance companies are evil?

It’s heartbreaking to know that thousands of Americans die every year simply because they're uninsured.

In fact, those who thought they were adequately insured were denied care.

Interviews of former employees of insurance companies shared cost-cutting initiatives that give bonuses to insurance company physicians and others to find reasons to deny medical costs of necessary treatments for policy holders which in turn increases their company profitability.

Imagine being denied treatment for a surgery that could potentially save your life because your insurance company wants to make a profit out of you. A woman needed life-saving surgery and was grateful when she received a check. However after her surgery, she was made to pay it all back because they found out that in the past, she had a yeast infection and failed to inform the company.

Another heartbreaking story was of a man who accidently chopped two of his fingers off while working and needed surgery to reattach his fingers. His insurance company gave him a quote of how much he would have to pay for his surgery. His middle finger cost $24,000+, while his ring finger cost $16,000+. The poor man had to chose between his two fingers and he chose his ring finger, as he could not afford to reattach both fingers.

In the U.K., their National Health Service is a publicly funded health care system and there are no out-of-pocket payments.

Moore visits a U.K. pharmacy and finds out that pharmaceuticals are free of charge for persons under 16 or over 60, and subsidized in most cases for everyone else; only a fixed amount of £6.65 (about $10) per item on a prescription was charged, irrespective of cost to the NHS.

What’s more amazing is that NHS hospitals employ a cashier, who reimburses low-income patients for their out-of-pocket travel costs to the hospital. Now imagine being paid for being sick? Amazing isn’t it?

In France it’s even better. The French has a 24-hour medical service that provides house calls by physicians so you don’t have to travel when you’re ill.

The French government also provides many other social services apart from health care, such as public education, vacations and day care for $1 an hour. They even provide cooking, cleaning and laundry services for new mothers.

In Canada, an amazing man, Tommy Douglas, was voted the greatest Canadian in 2004 for his contributions to the Canadian health system, by introducing the concept of universal and free health care for its citizens.

In Cuba, access to health care is universal and is one of the most generous countries in providing doctors to third world countries. Health care cost for a Cuban is $251 per person while in the U.S. its nearly $7,000 per person!

The U.S. government appropriated $50 million for the care of 9/11 rescue workers who volunteered after the September 11, 2001 disaster.

Unfortunately they were denied the funds to care for physical and psychological problems they subsequently developed.

Moore took some of these volunteers to U.S. Guantanamo Bay detainment camp to obtain free medical care that is apparently provided for the prisoners. When their attempt failed, the group moved on to Havana, where they managed to purchase inexpensive medicine and receive free medical treatment. They were only asked for their names and birth dates to get hospitalized and receive treatment.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering who is responsible for America’s modern HMO-based health care system. Well if you guess Nixon, then your guess is absolutely correct. Richard Nixon and John Ehrlichman (Counsel and Assistant to the President for Domestic Affairs) were responsible for the Health Maintenance Organization act of 1973.  The plan was to give less care and make more money, which Nixon seemed impressed by.

How about that!

Why can’t Americans care for each other? Why are they so blind to see how the disruptive and murderous system is corrupting and killing so many innocent people?

The American government is only interested in profit making without any regard for its nation’s welfare.

Americans should really take a stand and fight for their human rights to receive medical care and live!

A government should be afraid of its people as only they shape their government. Don’t be afraid of your government. The power is in your hands and in your voice.

Words

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." That’s not entirely true is it?

If words could kill, I’d have killed many people! Or would have probably been killed myself!

Good news is they’re still alive and well. Although, those words said would have stung like a bee.

Sometimes I feel, we forget about the importance of words. How words we utter can affects us all either negatively or positively.

I’ve had numerous arguments and won, but not without hurting anyone’s feelings in the process.

Most times when we find ourselves saying things we do not want to but we do it anyway. It happens to all of us. Its not something all of us are good at controlling.

The thing that gets to me is how we are so quick to say that we’re sorry and didn’t mean the things that were said.  How can that be? In most arguments, when two people are frustrated and possibly angry at each other, you can’t help but react naturally. If horrible things were uttered, it was probably true. The only problem was you used mean, cruel or even derogatory words in that moment, instead of using kind and positive words.

All I’m saying is that we can all be honest individuals, just as long as we stop to think before saying anything that we might later regret.

Words are powerful and everyone should practice using words wisely instead of just vomiting them out without regard for anyone’s feelings.

To illustrate my point, I’d like to share one of my experiences.

When I was a teenager, I was a rebellious one. I never took heed to what I was told to do and only enjoyed doing things I was forbidden to. So you can imagine the difficult times my mother would have faced because of me.

One day, my mother and I got into an argument that resulted in both of us saying horribly mean things to each other.

In her anger my mother said that she wished she had aborted me when she had the chance to.

Imagine the horror I experienced. It felt like she took a sword and stabbed me directly in the heart. I was not only shocked, but terribly hurt as well.

You’d think I would have gotten over the incident knowing that my mother only uttered those words because she was disappointed and mad at me for the way I was behaving at that moment and the words just slipped out.

However, the truth is I have never been able to forget those words. Especially when it comes from your mother. I have never been able to get over it. In fact I think about it every time my mother and I have arguments.

When you use words as a weapon it can border to verbal abuse or verbal violence. Let’s try not to allow ourselves to be the aggressor or the victim.

I don’t think I have to tell you how difficult it can get when the ones you love say the most hurtful things to you in anger. But I guess that’s what makes us human. We all make mistakes and we should make it a point to learn from them. We should strive to be and do better.

We should all practice being generous with our words. Use kind words; always try to be empathetic, and respectful. Even in impossible situations. It won’t be easy. Trust me. But practice makes perfect! And people will love you more for it.

Therefore, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!